The Kiss of the Morning

It’s amazing how He comes. Softly like the dew of the morning. So often I miss him, roll over into another half hour of sleep. He doesn’t disturb me. He just hovers hoping to catch me with one eye open and He whispers again.

“Forget the former things, I’m making things new.”

I sense Him, recognize his gentle voice and immediately roll out of bed. This is the direction I’ve longed for these last tormented weeks. I need to hear his promise pounding again in my subconscious thought. Something to hold onto when I squeeze her hand again in the theatre gown and wait til they ask me to leave.

The Holy Spirit is always hovering. Waiting for our anxious thoughts to step aside and make room for Him. He does not sit next to Fear. His light expels him. Yet somehow like osmosis it takes a while to seep through that invisible layer of mind and spirit.

I know He is teaching me to be attuned to His voice but my humanity takes over when things are going okay, when things are no longer life threatening. I never thought it would change after last year. His voice, His word was so tangible. That’s His way. “A very present help in time of need.” (Psalm 46)

The word is familiar but I can’t find it marked in my Bible so I search confident that this is not me, this is Him. Finally I find it, Isaiah 65:17 “the former things will not be remembered or come into mind.”

I’ve had such trouble sleeping. All those files of my grief are so hard to close. I need His help. The drawer seems to rebound open automatically during the night. The finger of the enemy flicks through the tabs, bringing them to my remembrance, the images too painful to face but too real to ignore. Layer upon layer splayed out before me like the pictures on my new apple Mac. The deep voice of the doctor, the clucking of his tongue, the dust on the windows, the NSW Health embossed sheets, the drips on the IMED stand, the smell of poison seeping into her veins, the thin trolleys of death and my breathless dash for another bed pan.

Everyone tells me that if you need to remove a body part the thyroid is the one you would choose. Its going to be okay. I know these things. I get it. But it is one thing to know something in your brain and quite another to hear His voice in your spirit. It’s His voice I want to hear; not mine, not anyone else’s.

I’m not drowning in the ocean anymore. I’ve climbed onto the pier, the worst is over but the waves of my memory lick at my heels. An evil force wants the waters of irrational thought to swallow me up, the fear to overtake me, the dread of what could still be. The staff at St Vincent’s continue to reassure me that the Bone Marrow Transplant has been a tremendous success but the words of our previous doctor telling me statistics of death and of relapse stick to me like gooey slim.

I see the enemy in the distance and when I pray God shows me that he is just a boy playing childish pranks.

Then I hear the voice of a middle aged woman. She is educated, well dressed and eloquent the way I aspire to be. “It happens” she says. “Best to be prepared.”

Images, voices, sleepless nights. The enemy seeks to destroy. He comes in all kinds of disguises.

God’s voice rings louder now. His word open on my lap. “I will rejoice and be glad in my people and the sound of weeping will no more be heard, nor the cry of their distress. They shall build houses and inhabit them, they shall plant vineyards and eat of the fruit of them… They shall not labour in vain to bring forth children for sudden terror or calamity; for they shall be the descendants of the blessed of the Lord and their offspring with them. And it shall be that before they call I will answer; and while they are yet speaking I will hear.” Isaiah 65:19,21,23,24

Yes, he wakes me with the kiss of the morning. He closes the drawer of the files.

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11 Comments

Filed under Life

11 responses to “The Kiss of the Morning

  1. Mazmumoftwo

    Claire you continue to be an amazing inspiration.
    Thank You.

  2. Simone Stewart

    I love your words Clare, will continue my prayers for Sam. Big Love Simmiexxx

  3. Louisa Morris

    Thank you for reminding us that He is so close. Praying for Sam everyday

    Louisa
    xxxxxx

  4. Bronte Waller

    Lord Jesus, we love you. Your love is better than life…we have nothing apart from you. You are our strength our hope our song. Lord carry Clare and Sam and the family through this next bit. You have been so faithful. Lord, speak loud and clear HOPE and encouragement. Lord, thank you that you are mighty. Your hands are big and strong. Thank you that you are our path through everything.
    Love you much Clare!
    XXXX

  5. Wendy Gilbert

    Take one last deep breath beautiful Clare and Sam. The end is near. Standing with you as always in prayer & thoughts. .

    P.S my mum had a thyroid operation, last year, she bounced back magnificently & felt instantly much, much better. She hardly skipped a beat, she even went shopping the day she got out of hospital – only as my mum would

  6. Jane Grover

    Oh Clare…..a Middle aged, well dressed and educated, eloquent woman….mmmm there is a vision to ponder but……… can such a woman fight in such a battle as you are participating in????? is she willing to get down and dirty and take back what the enemy thinks he has claimed??????or does she stand aside and simply offer empty words that do not help or confirm life……….this is not the woman you are Clare…. you are a fighter, a woman of ripe age, dripping with eternal fruit, filled with wisdom, offering hope to many, amidst this battle you ve always looked beautiful (this baffles me!!!!)…….but most of all you ve kept fighting for your Sam, regardless of your feelings, your words are His words and they are mighty in pulling down strongholds and demolishing every thought and imagination that sets itself up against the word of Christ…….what we think we want to be and what God often requires us to be are poles apart in this life xx BEST TO BE PREPARED!!!!!most definitely lets be prepared for victory, because I read the end of the book and WE WIN! (and we all know that he knows his time is short and the victory lies with those who side with Jesus)

  7. Lucy East

    Hey Clare…last year’s teaching was not lost to you. I have been a student of your “girl on a swing” class and you have been an extraordinary teacher. Jesus said ” Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in your ear, preach on the housetops” – Matt 10:27. Thank you for all you have given out. All my love
    Lucy

    • Clare Froggatt

      Lovely Lucy, We tried time and again to leave the ‘teaching’ role behind didn’t we? But still we teach! It must be God that called us to this after all. I feel very privileged to have discovered the art of blogging and to put out to the world what my journal only sees. I am honoured that people have taken the time to read the murmurings of my heart, to stand beside me, to leave comments and to see my dream unfolding to be a writer even if it is not the ‘published’ kind. It has honestly been my greatest pleasure. I am honoured also that God does whisper to us in darkness. The God of the heavens and earth actually cares so intimately for us. Amazing stuff!

  8. Kim Buckingham

    Clare – we think of you EVERYDAY and will continue to send our love to you and sam this week. You are never far from our thoughts. love kim

  9. Sandra Murray

    Clare, Thankyou for being so transparent and faithful. I so identify with the post on ‘the string’ and the constant caring and ‘carrying’ for our children. I have been so blessed reading your thoughts and beautiful writing. May it be published one day for the wider community to read and be encouraged to never give up hope. Will see you at school and will rejoice with you that Sam is turning that long corner at last. Love Sandra

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